Well I have started to curve my shopping a little. Just a bit. My Amazon and Etsy carts are still full with shit, but I am hitting buy a little less. So that’s progress.
I am caught up in this cycle of identity creation and “being authentic” and the process of consumption that goes a long with it. I need to re-focus on creation over consumption. There is a hard limit on the amount of authenticity can be bought, anyway. Performance isn’t participation.
Eventually it’s just a reflection of the self and the lens I see world through. It frames the way I move the world, but it is just a piece of who I am.
There are days I feel like I am creating myself like a character creation screen.
I’ve lost of my creative practice with not playing with the band as much and I am trying to to figure out who I am without that, as the was fairly core to my identity for a long time.
Also, being an aging elder emo and punk is not an easy task. I am caught between what I am supposed to be in my thirties, who I was in my twenties and who exists outside of those things.
I think I need to great back into making things. Even if they are bad. Even if it hurts to make things makes me feel a little hollow while I do it. I think that’s where I want to have my identity come from.